I've Lost Myself
by zemyx11219
Summary: Reno Hikari is a drug addict and an alcoholic. He uses to forget his past, but what happens when Rude and Rufus take that away? Can they save the hyper redhead from killing himself or will it be too late? Will they ever know what his past really was? Rated M for Blood, gore, self-harm, abuse, and drug/alcohol abuse. More warnings inside. Don't like, don't read! Reno/OC Reno/Rude


Hi, again! This is just something I thought up when I was writing a story with my friend. If you don't like any of the themes below (see Warnings), then click the magical button in the corner called a back arrow! **I OWN NOTHING EXCEPT FOR THE STORY AND MY BRAIN! EVERYTHING ELSE GOES TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS!**

**Warnings**: Slight Cussing, Self-harm, Attempted Suicide, Murder, Gore, Blood, Abuse, Drug/Alcohol Abuse, ***Hinted*** Yaoi and Shota.

**Pairings**: Reno/OC, ***Hinted*** Reno/Rude, Rude/Tseng

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_To whoever really cares:_

_I guess I finally did it, huh? I wonder if I'll finally forget, or if my own person Hell refuses to let me...Well, I hope your all happy, I'm finally gone and you won't be annoyed by me any more. I don't know why I'm doing this...I guess I just feel like I should give you all a tiny shred of happiness in this land of blood. You all thought I was happy, right? Of course you did, I never let on to what I was feeling, no Turk should. But I guess that true happiness is just a lie that is told to children so they won't realize the true extent to death. Isn't that what you tell the orphan's, Rufus? That their parents will come back soon? I wish I could remember mine, but as you_ must_ know...My father was killed by your hand when I was 5, I hope it eats away at you to know I'm a Hikari. I'm one of the people who tried to destroy you, but I was f***ing 5. I was a f***ing child forced to see the truth beyond the lie of happiness. Thanks, Rufus._

_Rude...I'm sorry. I bet you think of yourself as high and mighty now, right? Now that you told Rufus about my drugs and alcohol? Well guess what, this is the outcome of s*** when I don't have stuff to f*** my mind up! So you've only yourself to blame for this. I hope you can find happiness without me, Jenova knows you barely could with me. Don't think about it too long, go out with Tseng and get drunk. Have a party if you want for my death, maybe Gaia really would be better without me. I suppose that I _am_ just a nuisance, a jack-of-all-trades who can't even fight without hurting someone else. I'm sorry for all the missions we did when you came back with injuries. I couldn't even protect Alex, Zac, and Hannah from Luna...Oh wait, no one knows who they are, that's great._

_But, the one person I really care about...I'm really, truely sorry, Leia. You'll be the last person I think of as Lucifer and Chaos drag me to the deepest parts of hell and toture me. You deserved better, you were only 14 and I got you on drugs and alcohol and whatever else I was doing. I'm sorry, I guess I can't say it enough to you. I just hope you aren't the one to find me...I pray Rude or Tseng does...What the hell am I saying? I pray?! Hahahaha, funny...Sorry, I truely hope you're not the first one to read this, but I hope you do at some point. Leia, please get out of this. ShinRa changes you. It messes with your mind until you don't know who is your friend or your enemy. All you know is ShinRa and killing. Please don't join this group of killers. That is all I ask. I joined for my family, and I lost myself...I lost myself to ShinRa and followed what Rufus said._

_This is my final goodbye, I'm sorry for all the hell I've caused. I lost myself to the game and I couldn't get back. I guess no one could ever guess why I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. Well now you know: I followed Rufus' orders and destroyed the Hikari family, _my_ family. I'm sorry I made a mess with killing myself, if Rude and Rufus hadn't taken all my drugs and beer, I could've just OD'ed or forgotten about my past for a little bit...Sorry, everyone._

_~ Reno Hikari_

Reno smiled, a real smile for the first time since he'd joined ShinRa. He'd vowed never to join when he was a kid, when ShinRa killed his father. But as time passed, feeding 8 mouths was not easy. Now he was going to escape the past forever, unless he had the unfortunate luck for Lucifer and Chaos to decide to torture him by refusing him to forget. He even had a shred of hope that the Goddess would lead him to Bliss where he could see his mother and siblings again. Reno sat the paper on the sink counter and grabbed his razor. He looked at himself in the mirror, his red hair falling lazily around his face and reflecting off of the black t-shirt he wore.

"Monster...Your nothing but a monster who's hurt everyone..." He spoke to himself as tears built in the corner of his eyes. If Leia had heard him say that, she'd have kissed him and told him it was a lie. "May you rot in hell." Reno leaned against the wall as he pressed the blade into his wrist and pulled is across his porcelain white skin, cutting deeply. He did it two times on each wrist, slowly sliding down the wall from lack of blood with each minute that passed. He'd dropped the blade before he sat down and it bounced off somewhere. After a few minutes, his eyes refused to stay open. Again, Reno smiled one of his rare, true smiles as he felt something pulling at his heart. But it was short lived, his door slammed as it opened.

"Reno?" The voice was distorted so he couldn't tell who it was. He tried to reach for the blade, but couldn't find it. He tried to force his eyes open, but they felt glued shut. He fell onto his side still trying to find the blade to give himself one final scar and end it all before they could help. "Reno?!" The voice was louder, right outside the door. _S***_ Reno thought to himself, remembering he'd forgotten to lock the door. When the door opened, he held still, hoping they'd think he was dead and run away...But they didn't. They quickly pulled him up, holding him gently in their arms. "Reno?! Tseng, call Rude, quickly. Please, don't die Reno!" He could finally place the name, Elena. "Reno! Wake up!" Her panicked voice reached his ears, but he was already crossing into unconsciousness. "Please stay with me, Reno..." Elena sobbed, that was the last thing he heard.

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Reviews = Faster Updates. This is not the end! There will be more!


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